The Entire Month of September up til This Point - September 22
i went home at the beginning of the month to spend the weekend with my dad, which was really sad and made me really sad mostly because i’m nervous that he’s lonely.
i’ve pretty much stayed sad since coming back, i think maybe seeing my dad sad was a big catalyst for own depression that i’ve been dealing with all summer.
i sort of fell into a really big weepy depressive state where i didn’t really leave my apt/bed. i got mad at everything but really just internalized it, rationalizing that it isn’t fair to take out my irritation and anger out on other people who have no idea what i’m dealing with? god i sound like a 14 year old. anyway, i didn’t realize this was actually affecting anyone until i had a huge fight with E the other night about how he never sticks to plans/will answer his stupid phone/feels absent and he pointed out that i’ve just been increasingly absent and i won’t go out to see him and if he wants to see me, he’s forced to come to my apt and just sit in bed with me. haha oops looks like i didn’t hide it so easily~~
so that discussion/argument/thing was like 2.5 hours long of just pure tears and finally we both just realized we have a lot of ~opening up~ to do because we’re just a couple of butts.
in (un?)related news: i went to go see the creepiest doc of my life about my stomach issues who then referred me to a gastro. i have that appointment on october 2nd, which is just a couple weeks from now!! i’m starting a new diet regime of no lactose and no alcohol for the next two weeks to see if that helps. if it doesn’t, i’m throwing out gluten and meat, eventually, as well. so fffffff let’s hope i figure this shit out.
lastly. i got a cute uke! i’m gonna learn and become a star. hopefully i’ll force myself into being ~creative~ again so that i feel less shitty. should maybe start writing again? idk. we’ll see!